Q & A with Dina Shanae: Would you get married again?


Welcome back to another Q & A post!

This question came via Instagram. Good question Insta-follower! Keep them coming! If you're not following my social media go ahead and click the links to my Instagram and Facebook pages.

Alright now on to the tea.

Would you get married again?

Hmm, well I’ve been single for a couple of years now and that answer has teetered back and forth the entire time.

When I was newly single it was a hard NO! I was not looking to ever get married again or have more children. I felt like I’d had my chance at love. I’d been given more than most people get, a near-decade with someone and a beautiful family as a result. I was perfectly content with never being married again.

Going into dating with that mindset was actually quite beneficial. At an age where most women are looking to settle down, I just wanted to have fun and explore my options. That took the pressure off of things, and I was able to establish friendships and get to know people without the expectation of a relationship.

Things developed and ended organically, allowing those meant to be in my life to stay and those meant to go, to do just that. I’m not even gone cap y’all, after being married my entire adult life, dating was a breath of fresh air!


I loved my newfound freedom. Not only with dating, but it was also the first time in my life that I’d lived alone. I was a grown woman who’d never lived by herself. I blasted Ari Lennox's New Apartment all summer long! (If you haven't heard it, go ahead and give her a listen. It's a whole vibe.)

Now don’t get me wrong, I missed the perks of having a man. Having someone to take out the trash, get my oil changed, open jars, and such, but I did not miss sharing a space with another adult at ALL.

I could finally sit stuff down and come home to it being in the same spot I left it. I could choose not to cook dinner and no one would be upset with me. I could decorate exactly how I wanted. Finally, I could light all my sage, incense, and candles without anyone complaining of the scent. I had my own space and I loved it. I never wanted to give up my freedom or autonomy again.

Now of course when the kids were home I had to cook and clean up behind them, but the unintended upside of the divorce was I had ME time! B and I have a 50/50 time split with our kiddos. Leaving me every other weekend to myself. Y’all, I didn’t even know what to do with myself at first!

As a wife, I was so used to taking care of everyone all the time. I never had time for myself. But there I was, a single woman, with time on her hands, and summers off work. Talk about an upside. I lived my BEST LIFE OKAY! I traveled, I hung out with my friends, and I dated. I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

At that time in my life, I couldn’t even consider being married again. I never wanted the fun to end. If you’re using your inferential skills you’ve noticed that all of those references were made in past tense which signals a big change in my perspective.

While having fun, I also went to therapy. My therapist encouraged me to date and enjoy myself, but he also encouraged me to examine the reasons why I never wanted to get married again.

Therapists are always making you dive deep and whatnot. (*Eye roll)

With his help, I peeled back the layers that covered the deep pain and grief I associated with marriage. I discovered the two main reasons I never wanted to get married again.

First, I didn't want to belong to another person or be controlled. I had just begun to find myself. I couldn't imagine willingly walking back into a cage. I wasn't willing to forego things I wanted for myself for the sake of a relationship. I'd done that my entire adult life. I needed some time to be selfish and practice radical self-care and self-love.

Secondly, I never wanted to feel the unimaginable pain of loss again.

Divorce is beyond hard. It’s like cutting out your own heart and asking your body to keep living without it. It hurts. And while I’m sure all divorces are hard, mine was especially difficult because I never knew a life without B. We had spent our entire adult lives together. I didn’t know if I’d be able to stand on my own and live without him which was scary beyond measure.

Once I had pulled myself out of depression, I was able to function and begin to live my life again. I couldn’t risk falling for someone and allowing my heart to be broken. And I certainly wasn't going to get married again. It wasn't even an option.

So what changed Dina? I know that's what you’re asking. Fine fine, I’ll tell you, though it’s so cliche. I met someone. Someone who changed my mind.

Now, I’m not going to give y’all all the tea just yet, but I’ll share a tidbit with you. The person I met was so similar to me and different from what I was accustomed to. He didn’t try to force me into a box, in fact, he acted as a mirror who helped me see the best and worst parts of myself. And while I don’t intend to be walking down the aisle anytime soon, I’m not totally against it anymore.

I'm more open to marriage because this time would be different.

This time I would be coming from a place of experience. This time I would be healed and whole. This time, I’d be a woman, not a scared little girl. So we’ll see what happens. But if I do somehow wind up engaged, I'll give y'all a pic or two.


 

As always, thank you for tuning in with me today loves! If you haven’t already, go ahead and like, subscribe and share this post. Remember if love can find me again, it can find you too!

Until next time, stay blessed!

Love,

Dina Shanae

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